Thursday, January 1, 2009

What do I say to that?

My dad died the day before Christmas. It was weird to attend his funeral on Tuesday since I haven't seen/talked to him in ~13 years. I didn't view the body, although as I was looking around for family, I happened to see him. I'm grateful it was only for one quick second, because I do NOT do well with dead bodies. My mom keeps telling me it's good that we (my sister and I) went to the funeral so we can have closure. Closure? I have NO closure. ZERO. ZILCH. NADA. If anything, it's made me think and think and think and think about it. Over and over again. The speakers seemed like they wanted to say more, but held back. My sister and I were never mentioned (except for the reading of the obituary) in which it stated that he was survived by his two daughters. No one came to tell us how much our dad loved us. Because... well, it wasn't true. He could care less. He left us and never looked back. I was glad no one came out and lied. I was half expecting a speaker to get all teary-eyed and say "And his pride and joy in life were his daughters... blah blah blah". So I was glad they didn't, because I would have been outraged. BUT it was also a big fat slap in the face that no one did. Because now I really know the truth. One of the speakers told how my dad (while in the hospital) asked said man, if he'd speak at his funeral. And keep it under 5 minutes. (hardy har har har har I can't stop laughing har har har har har...)
He knew he was going to die. Other people who spoke mentioned that my dad said he wasn't read to die yet. He still had things to do, that he needed to do. Then I find out he had said this MONTHS ago. Again, I'm so glad that one of those things he needed to do before dying was contacting his daughters. Oh, and meeting their spouses. AND his grandchildren. Oh well. Closure or not, I'm glad I went. It would have been one of those things I know I would have regretted forever. Or maybe not.


Anonymous said...

I never know how to deal with death. It's so...see? Nothing. I just don't know what to say other than I think you would have definitely wondered if you hadn't gone to the funeral. You probably would have even felt guilty though you would have no reason to.
One day you'll look back and going to his funeral will be nothing more than a bad day. I hope you're doing ok and if you need to talk you know my number ;)

Amy said...

Holy cow Jamy! I had no idea! You need to come over now that I'm in Utah and we need to talk about...well, everything! Come play next week please!!!!

Brother and Sister Harker said...

I am sorry, I did not even know. I am sorry that you never got to see him before either. I hope you get some sort of peace. If you need to talk give me a call.