by Jack Handey.
If you're not familiar with Jack Handey (as if those people exist) just know that the quotes aren't supposed to make sense. They are usually just stupid, or mean, or both. But hey? That's SNL for you. Here's some of my fav's.
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."
“I can picture in my mind a world without war. A world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis."
“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”
*“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
“When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.”
“To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
(Hahaha, I'm laughing so hard right now! Oh and don't feel bad if you hate these. They're not for everybody)
“If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.”
"As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again."
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone."
"He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him."
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."